Atomic Nuns & Kate Upton’s Space Boobs

There are three important news stories which have received inadequate attention this week: atomic nuns, glow-in-the-dark reindeer, and Kate Upton’s space boobs.

On Tuesday nuns were sentenced for breaking into a nuclear power plant in Knoxville, TN. Three holy sisters managed to break through a series of chain-link fences around a nuclear facility to spray paint protest phrases and splatter human blood against an enriched uranium facility as grafitti, causing more than $1,000 in damages to what is generally considered a maximum security zone.

What I want to know is: how is “Atomic Nuns” not a comic book series yet?

Imagine the plot: three nuns with ninja-like skills infiltrate nasty places and shut them down. But then they break into a nuclear plant early on in the series and encounter some plutonium, radiating all three. Instead of dying, they are imbued with super powers. I’m in a science fiction book club, and I’m fairly confident we would all read Atomic Nuns. Contact me if you’re a graphic artist.

On the note of glowing, in Finland harsh winters and modern cars have lead to a strong of terrible reindeer collisions. This has prompted the Fins to go out and literally paint the antlers of reindeer with fluorescent dyes. While this does not entirely heal the pain of finding out the truth about Santa, I feel my childhood has nonetheless grown back a little. There are glow-in-the-dark reindeer.

We have the technology to make all sorts of things glow-in-the-dark now. There are plans in the works to make glowing trees, which can replace street lamps. We’ve already made a glowing bunny.

This all brings me to the conclusion that scientists should be putting more effort into making glow-in-the-dark monkeys. There’s no immediate benefit which I can discern from doing so, other than the sheer coolness of making a hilariously human-looking species luminescent. I imagine somehow that glowing monkeys could become a fixture at raves.

Finally, Kate Upton’s space boobs. Kate Upton, a model and possible Gucci-engineered Cylon, did a zero-g photo shoot for Sports Illustrated. They did not launch her into space, but rather simulated zero-g through a “parabolic flight,” wherein a plane ascends and then drops fast enough before stabilizing to create free fall.

You might say, “This is getting plenty of coverage–people know more about this than the flaming mobs of unrest in Ukraine and Venezuela.”

You are wrong. There is simply no way to oversaturate the media in the “hot girls in space” category. I’d like this story to get more attention so that I can skim through pictures at work without freaking anyone out.

It also signifies how awesome the private sector is. There will be zero-g travel for middle class people like myself within the next twenty years, either through airplane simulations in parabolic flight as with Upton, or via sub-orbital space flights.

Kate Upton, by drawing attention to the fledgling industry, has created awareness about parabolic flights, which will draw in more customers. As more folks go up to experience zero-g tourism, prices will drop. Eventually there will be competitors figuring out how to lower their prices to capture the market. Somehow chiropractors will get involved.

That’s just the free market itself propelling us into space. But imagine if we harnessed not just the power of robust capitalism but human libido to propel the space race!

If we can make commerce and horniness the joint horses of our cosmic chariots, we’ll be on Mars in no time. With glow-in-the-dark monkeys.