Drunken Pig Terrorizes Australia

If you’re not worried about feral pigs, you should be. Particularly in Australia where, apparently, they have a drinking problem. Earlier this month a ferrel pig (domesticated pigs which escape to the wild, grow tusks, and become homicidal) snuck into a campsite and proceeded to drink eighteen unsecured beers. Then, according to one eye witness, the drunken pig went on a rampage and attacked a nearby cow. It was last seen sleeping off its hangover.

So many thoughts.

When I was a young lad in the Boy Scouts of America, we had to secure our food from animals on campouts as well. Sometimes from bears (you hang your food from a tree, so the bear can whack at it like a pinata) but mostly from raccoons. Raccoons are devilishly clever and, from what I can tell, are perfectly capable of hotwiring cars to go joyriding. I suffered many a hungry Saturday mornings in my youth after raccoons had plundered our campsite’s ice cooler the previous evening, before going through our wallets for credit card information.

Yet in Australia, the bizarro-world version of America where mammals lay eggs and Puritanism never really caught on, campers apparently have to hide their schnapps from wild pigs. Because otherwise the pigs get loaded and attack livestock. This makes me doubly concerned about my next visit to an Australian beach–what happens when the sharks start boozing?