EVIL JIM STRIKES BACK
It’s the first of April so I, Evil Jim, Heaton’s former roommate, have decided to make an April’s Fools Day tactical strike — sort of like what Kim Jong Un would try if he had any cajones.
If you’ve ever wondered what sorts of songs Heaton makes on his ukulele, read on.
You may remember that during our Prank War of 2012 I hid a remote-controlled doorbell behind one of his paintings to try and convince him that he was going crazy. Or the time I relocated all of his belongings to a storage facility in Bayonne, New Jersey while he was out of town. Or the many, many instances in which I fired a Nerf gun foam arrow directly at his forehead when he least suspected it.
What neither you nor Heaton know is that I also secretly recorded his rambling, half-drunk ukulele playing when we lived together. I have over six unedited hours of the stuff. It ranges from enthralling to borderline crazy.
So today, for April Fool’s, Bomble Records is proud to release Heaton’s very first album, containing five songs:
The most polished track is definitely “Up On My Moonbase” which, unlike most of his uke repertoire, Heaton actually bothered to write. I smuggled my recorder behind his desk for this one and so the quality is top notch. What’s most captivating about the song is Heaton’s unbridled optimism about his lunar ambitions combined with his just-below-the-surface tyrannical murderous tendencies.
I’m still mystified by his cover of “Take on Me” by A-ha, because I recorded this “inside*” of his bathroom while he was taking a shower. Does Heaton have a water-proof ukulele? I think his instrument is made out of plastic, so it’s entirely possible. (*=I’ve found ways to hide recording devices behind the toilet.)
Certainly the track with the most pathos is “Starbucks Dating”, which chronicles the frustrating lull in Heaton’s romantic life during the spring of 2012. It has a folk music quality which I appreciate, but the references to Match.com is what really drives it home.
In what I like to call “Death Star Rising”, Heaton interestingly sides with the Empire against the Rebel Alliance and, among other things, extols the merits of Ewok burgers, which I assume are tasty. As an avid anti-Statist, Heaton’s decision here is confounding.
But my personal favorite is “The Ballad of New Caprica”. This gem was surreptitiously recorded at 2:42 AM after Heaton returned home with a six pack of pretentious European beer, watched an episode of Battlestar Galalctica on my Roku, and then retreated to his room, ukulele-in-hand. It has a markedly improvisational element over his other work, and at times he sounds like a drunken Kermit the Frog playing a toy guitar. That’s talent.
Unfortunately many otherwise Grammy Award-winning pieces are lost due to poor recording quality. Future generations will never know the joy of hearing Andrew sing to his fish, Montez, about why his piscine buddy should cheer up. Then threatening to kill the fish if he doesn’t. Then methodically listing, in verse, a number of helpful pharmaceutical products which Heaton could drop into the fishbowl to elevate Montez’s mood.
I hope you enjoy Heaton’s ukulele playing. But more importantly, I hope that you grasp something deeper: I, Jim Swift, launched a glorious and surprise Prank Attack on Heaton and have routed him in our childish battle of wits.
Happy April Fools!