How To Talk Austrailian

Australians have exclamation marks and questions marks, but no concept of periods. If you end a sentence without going up at the end inquisitively, they will think you aren’t finished yet and will stand around waiting. So just say every phrase like it’s a question? Just like this? That is how Australians say everything.

Australians say most everything with a friendly, easy-going cadence coupled with a kind of visceral glottal sound. To get the pitch right, pretend you’re laying in a hammock and smiling, but about to clear your sinuses.

There is only one vowel in Australian, pronounced “aoi.” They compensate for relative sound variation by putting in several additional vowels to every word. Hence Australia is pronounced “Aaaah? Stray aei lee yeea ah.” The word “pint” contains three vowels, and is pronounced “Paoi-oi-int?”

All Australian towns are named by writing down the sound shoes make thumping around a dryer:

If you’re a man, shave once every eight to seventy days. Never go out in public clean shaven: no self-respecting Australian male has a smooth face, including children.

There are certain phrases which do not link up in the American lexicon. For instance, you might want to communicate that you’re eager to remove weeds from your garden, and will be pulling them up by the root. Hence, “I can’t wait to do some rooting.” This wholly innocuous phrase induces incredible laughter from Australians, leading me to conclude that they associate garden tasks with mating.