This week I had to find a new home for my pet fish, Montez, because I am moving and am afraid if I leave my fish with Evil Jim, my hitherto roommate, that he will try and brainwash the fish to hate me.

Originally I planned to leave Montez’s bowl inside of a wicker basket on a neighbor’s doorstep and knock and run away. Then I thought about doing the same thing at PetSmart, where I originally purchased Montez, but it turns out they already have me recorded on surveillance feed for unrelated activities.

For a little while I considered putting Montez to sleep. But then Evil Jim got mad at me for touching his guns and said “they’re not toys,” and I said I know, I was going to kill my fish, and he said if I fired a handgun in the apartment it would get water everywhere and be really loud.

So then I considered cryogenically freezing Montez, so that he can be my pet fish in the future. This plan probably makes the most sense, because I’ll likely stipulate in my will that when I die my head should be frozen. A thousand years from now future people will give me an android body and then I can conquer them. Then I would thaw out Montez and get him a new bowl, because his old bowl is filthy.

But Evil Jim said I’m not allowed to put frozen animals in the freezer anymore unless I buy them from a grocery store and intend to eat them. So this week I went on Craigslist and offered to give Montez to a good home. Here is some of the e-mail correspondence:

Hello,

Betta fishes are beautiful and my husband and I would lvoe to take yours! We have a guinea pig, a dog, and a parakeet, and want to get a fish. If no one has taken him yet we can pick him up when my huasband gets home.

Susie

Montez hates guinea pigs.

Best,

Heaton

Do guinea pigs eat beta fish? I did not know that. Our guinea pig is in a glass terarium with a lid, so “Montez” will be safe!

Susie

No, he just hates guinea pigs. In general. Can you put Montez in a separate room? I’ve been keeping him in my bathroom so that I can sing to him while I’m taking a shower. He’s particularly fond of Gilbert & Sullivan operrates. Except for Mikado, which he feels has silly lyrics.

Best,

Heaton

Um, OK. We were thinking we would put Motez in the kitchen, in a goldfish bowl with a plant. He would get lots of sunlight and wold not be in the same room as our guinea pig.

Susie

That is acceptable. May I ask you a few questions before consenting to give you guardianship of Montez?

Do you or your husband suffer from anger management issues?

Do you enjoy fishing?

Do you have children?

If so, how much do your children weigh?

Finally, I will need two personal references and a criminal background check.

Best,

Heaton

– END –

Hello,

Can you drive your fish monty to my house? I will have him.

Carl

His name is MONTEZ. Not “Monty.” I do not have a car.

Best,

Heaton

It doesnt matter what his name is because im going to change it anyway

Carl

What are you going to change it to? His full name is Montez von Shneisthorst.

Best,

Heaton

I dont know but im not giong to say montez von shneisturst all the time.

Carl

You may provide me with a list of alternate names which I will review. Please note that these names will be “stage names,” and that his legal name will remain Montez von Shneisthorst.

Under no circumstance will you EVER refer to Montez as “Jim.” Montez hates Jim and everyone named Jim. I would sooner pour bleach into his water that rename him “Jim.”

Best,

Heaton

– END –

I would like to adopt your fish, Montez. I have a fish tank in my bedroom and several other fish.

N.

Dear “N”

What kind of “fish” do you keep in your bedroom? If you have piranhas, the answer is “no.”

Best,

Heaton

Dear Heaton,

They are a type of goldfish. They are smaller than Betas and are docile.

N.

Dear “N,”

You realize that Montez will kill all of your goldfish, right?

Best,

Heaton

Dear Heaton,

I’ve checked online and betas and this species of goldfish get along fine.

N.

Dear “N,”

Betas might in general, but Montez will immediately display his dominance by killing all of the other fish in the tank. It’s possible that he’ll keep some around as a harem if they please him. If you have toddler I would keep him/her the hell away from Montez. Also jewelry.

Best,

Heaton

Can I have your fish or not?

Yes.

Montez Moves On