Santa Clause Around the World

Most other countries are not America. Yet. The curious reader might ask, “How do all these non-American countries go about celebrating Christmas, then? Also do these countries have oil we can take?” Presumably all the peoples of the world celebrate Christmas in their own and lesser ways.

In India, for instance, they call Christmas “Pancha Ganapati.” And they still have Santa Clause, but they call him “Ganesha.” Instead of being a chubby guy in a red and white suit, “Ganesha” is an elephant-headed god who is the Remover of Obstacles. Otherwise the holiday is indistinguishable from what you might find in Iowa.

In Australia it’s too damn hot for proper blizzards and snowmen. In order to have a “white Christmas,” wealthy Australians import snow from countries with normal climates, such as Antarctica. Then they dump snow all over their continent like happy alabaster napalm in order to trick Santa Clause into giving presents to their spawn.

Unfortunately not all Australians can afford to import snow, so impoverished “bogunds” migrate to beaches with white sand, then stand around on Christmas Eve hoping to kill Santa with a boomerang. This is another good reason we should go ahead and declare war on Australia.

In Germany they don’t have Santa Clause like normal people, but “St. Nicholas,” who is an identity thief pretending to be Santa Clause. What does the “St.” stand for? Probably “Steve.” How this Steve Nicholas guy managed to trick all of the Germans into believing he’s Santa Clause is anyone’s guess. They’re names are spelled completely differently.

Instead of leaving gifts under a tree, Germans put gifts in socks, because all Europeans have foot fetishes. Should we go to war with Germany to protect the identity of Santa Clause? Of course. Absolutely. But we should also do it to stop him as a singer songwriter who goes by the nickname “Stevie Nicks.”

At this point you’re probably thinking, “Okay, that’s all well and good, but what I really want to know is how do people in Luxembourg celebrate Christmas?” That’s a good question. According to the Internet, Luxembourgers call Santa by the name “Klees’chen.” On first glance you might think “Klees’chen” is some kind of screwy pronunciation brought about by being foreign and living in a giant tax haven. Well, you would be wrong.

Anyone with a decent education will recognize “Klees’chen” as a Klingon word. We can reasonably infer that in Luxembourg Santa Clause is a Star Trek character with a ridged forehead who flies around in a spaceship and beheads his enemies with a bat’leth. This is definitely the most badass version of Santa in the world. We should probably ally with Luxembourg before we attack Australia and Germany. (Also Quebec. They know why.)

Interestingly, although Santa Clause is a without question American, he does not actually live here. In the twentieth century Santa lived in a mall somewhere in the Midwest, as evidenced by childhood photographs of me sitting on his lap and playing “find the hip flask.” Nowadays Santa Clause lives in the North Pole, but maintains several factories in Jinan, China.

That’s because excessive marginal tax rates (endorsed by deranged madmen like Warren Buffet) drove Santa’s operation out of the United States and into international waters. If you break into a map emporium and flip a globe over, you can plainly see that the North Pole is actually in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, surrounded by Russia, Greenland, Canada and whales.

There is no tax regime present in international waters, so Santa lives on a large boat subject to his own laws in a movement known as “seasteading.” Seastedding has gained publicity through the efforts of Patri Freidman, grandson of the noted economist Milton Friedman.

In conclusion, Santa Clause lives with Milton Friedman’s grandson on a big yacht in the North Pole.