Readers, you could learn a thing or two from this recent correspondence. Seriously. Take notice of the excellent, heart-felt questions: the below reads like Strunk & White’s guide to writing fan mail. No more lazy “hey you’re funny can I interest you in illicit drugs?” e-mails. We have to meet halfway. Click “contact” on the toolbar and ask good questions like these, or at least send compromising pictures of yourself while at work.

To: Heaton

From: Cindy

Your posts are hilarious. I am also an advocate for hats. Are you good looking? If you can prevent one person from being born, who would it be (don’t say Hitler)? What’s your favorite country?

To: Cindy

From: Heaton

Dear Cindy,

Thank you for your kind assessment of my blog.

I am incredibly handsome. I have attached two black and white photos of myself (both of which you should frame and hang in your house) to prove this. The first is me riding a camel with some geometrically weird mountains in the background that I think people probably built. In the other I’m holding a gun for some reason. I don’t remember what I was doing, but based on my resolved expression and clutched pitchfork, I assume I was hunting a monster or joining an angry mob or something.

If I could prevent any one person from being born, I would make every single person with my same name not exist. Or at least have a different name. Because I have to alter my e-mail address and “andrewheaton.com” was already taken. So that guy.

My favorite country is Hutt River Principality, which I one day hope to visit.

Best,

Andrew