Should I Get A Tattoo?

Chances are, if you’ve ever been drunk for three days straight before, you have a tattoo somewhere on your body. Maybe you are a prison inmate reading my blog (shout out to McAlester Minimal Security Prison! Woot!) and you and your buddies carve designs into each other with ballpoint pens to express your creativity and artistic skills.

I’ve never gotten a tattoo. Partly because I was raised with self respect and propriety, but mostly because I’m afraid of commitment. What if I got a tattoo on my arm and it was just a little bit disproportional? I would always think about how my tattoo had an error in it. Then I would probably start picking at it, then eventually the wound would get infected and I would get gangrene.

Recently scientists came up with ultra-violet ink which reacts only under a black light. This means that, for all intents and purposes, you do not appear to have a tattoo except whilst attending raves.

I don’t frequent raves because of my lamentable allergy to taking ecstasy. But I do enjoy a good laser tag round, and the best laser tag facilities often have black lights. This makes me think that maybe I should get extensive tattoos, all over my face and torso, so that to twelve-year-olds I will appear to be some psycho cannibal from the movie Tron.

This would compel them to either scatter before me, or possibly make me their chieftain.