Wings Up, Rings Off: The Secret Service Debacle

Every day more evidence is unearthed that the Secret Service is by far the sexiest government agency in America. More fun than even a GSA conference, but not quite as fun as your average French comptroller’s office. Going back to a 2002 U.S. News and World Report, elements of the Secret Service come off like a college fraternity with walkie talkies and handguns.

As of now some twelve Secret Servicemen and eleven additional military officials have been implicated in a Colombian prostitution scandal. So far as we know, the Secret Service is so depleted that nearby mall cops are being drafted to help out with the presidential motorcade. I predict that we’ll find even more shenanigans now that Joe Lieberman is pissed off.

What I’m baffled by is this: Since when do Secret Service members need to pay for sex? Is there something I’m missing here?

I live in Washington and have been to the White House a couple of times, and so far all the Secret Service guys I’ve come into contact with are muscular and authorized to kill me. The ones involved in the Colombian hooker debacle presumably hang out with the president on occasion, wear cool sunglasses and earn a decent income. Some women with Jedi nun training may be able to resist that sort of temptation, but I don’t know any personally.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that these men should be fired on the grounds that they are either too incompetent to capitalize on the coolness of their jobs, or too lazy to bother working for tail like the rest of us. Also, soliciting prostitutes is unbecoming.

One of our lads in Columbia got into an even bigger stink by trying to run out on his tab the morning after he slept with a Lady of the Night. That is downright rude. If you agree to buy a service, you pay someone for the service. Reneging on the agreed upon price is like walking out on your dinner check, only worse, because in this instance you went into the kitchen and banged the chef.

Is this the kind of example we want to show our Colombian allies? They’re already pissed off that the whole hooker debacle has taken rightful attention away from the country’s thriving drug cartels. Now this?

The Secret Service members in question are currently on administrative leave, as investigators look for more damning evidence and hilarious YouTube videos they may have posted whilst sucking body shots off streetwalkers. “Administrative leave” means that they are still drawing a salary, but cannot use agency facilities like the Secret Service gymnasium or the Secret Service laundry room.

Presumably they are holing up in garage somewhere playing In the Line of Fire drinking games.