TIPS:
PayPal: andrew@mightyheaton.com
PROGRAMS USED:
To create songs, I would come up with the idea and then write the lyrics. Then, put those lyrics into Udio.com, usually requesting a two-minute song in the style of a Broadway musical. I would then crank out a lot of iterations—often upwards of sixty times—before finding a tune I liked in which the lyrics were understandable and the principle voice could ostensibly reflect the chosen character. Then I would further tweak the song by cropping out parts I didn’t like, then extending that pruned song again, to regenerate new variations—often upwards of sixty times. (I think, all told, I probably had to make around a thousand songs to wind up the 26 that appear in the musical.)
I then took the various limbs of song and spliced them together to create coherent pieces. Or, would modify the prompt (swapping in “jazz” instead of “Broadway Musical”) and adding new lyrics, in order to create variations of a central theme while maintaining the beat. For example, “Joe Must Go,” “I Miss You Joe,” and “I Really Miss You Joe” were created this way. As were the various “Bend the Knee” songs.
My favorite song is Trump’s last, “I Really Miss You Joe,” which is several iterations I stitched together. I uploaded the final form to vocalremover.org to strip it down to mostly instrumental music with no voice, then uploaded that version to Suno, where I made “covers” of it. The introduction song, as well as all of the songs which accompany the announcer, are using the theme from “I Really Miss You Joe” via this technique.
Most of the voices in the interstitials between songs were provided by my friends, but I recorded the voices of Joe Biden and Donald Trump myself, then uploaded them to Voice.AI, which allows you to translate files into the sound profiles of various avatars.
LYRICS
Introduction
NEWSCASTER: In the year 2024 the people of the United States held an election for the highest office in the land. A momentous political contest in which the citizens of that great republic would come together to select the two smartest, wisest, and most honorable people in the entire nation... and thence, a single leader in whom to entrust the management of the American federal government, and the nuclear codes.
This is that story. Welcome... to Election 2024!
JENNIFER: (sighs)
HEATON: What’s wrong, Jennifer?
JENNIFER: I’m just kind of bummed out about the election.
HEATON: Really, why?
JENNIFER: I know it’s several months away, but I’m afraid the election is just going to wind up being a rematch between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. And honestly, I’m not thrilled about either of those candidates!
HEATON: I dunno, a year is a long time! And Donald Trump is by no means a shoo-in. He’s down in the polls, and there are plenty of heavy-weight conservative candidates lining up to challenge him for the Republican nomination.
JENNIFER: Really? Like who?
HEATON: Well…
“The Grand Old Primary”
[MIKE]
Behold stock photo white guy
The former running mate
Refused to certify the count
Won't make it out the gate
Mike Pence!
Everyone must been the knee!
Mike Pence!
The Gee Oh Primary
The gov'nor of New Jersey
Was first to fall in line
But then thought Trump was dirty
And he later grew a spine
Chris Christie!
Everyone must been the knee!
Chris Christie!
The Gee Oh Primary
HEATON: What about that Doug Burgum fellow? He seems sane?
JENNINGS: He's polling at 40%
HEATON: That's fantastic!
JENNINGS: …In the greater Burgum household
This overcaffeinated
Donald Tribute band
Is running for a cabnet spot
Just building up his brand
Raswamy!
He wants to bend the knee
Hey Vivek!
The Gee Oh Primary
HEATON: How about that Tim Scott guy? He's black, he seems nice
JENNIFER: Are you insane?! I want a divorce!
The gov'nor of Florida
Is throwing in his hat
He doesn't understand the game
Ron simply can't combat
DeSantis!
Everyone must bend the knee
DeSantis!
The Gee Oh Primary
This southern number cruncher
Is strongest in the pack
Conservative alternative
The Neo Cons strike back
Nickey Haley!
Everyone must bend the knee
Nickey Haley!
The Gee Oh Primary
It's the Grand Old Party's
Primary
And We're all gonna die
JENNIFER: You’re right, Heaton! Maybe the Republicans will unite behind a fresh, lucid alternative!
HEATON: Absolutely. At the end of the day, I think we can trust the Republican Party to nominate a responsible adult.
JENNIFER: You don’t think Trump will utterly destroy all of his opponents with heat-ray vision like last time, do you?
HEATON: . . . no.
ANNOUNCER: Fellow Republicans. Please welcome to the arena America’s past and future president… Donald, J. Trump!
“Chodes in the Swamp”
Good evening folks
How ‘bout this inflation
Chodes in the swamp
Are robbing you blind
I promise you all
Financial elation
A policy plan
From my own brilliant mind!
It’s mercantilism
But a little more sassy
A national sales tax
To fuck with free trade
We’ll give all the Chinese
A big aneurism
So jack up those tariffs
And we’ll all get laid
I won by a landslide
In the last election
Sixty-two states
In a huge victory
It don’t count as stealing
When just a correction
To deprive the swamp
Of a conspiracy
It’s not insurrection
Just a really big protest
We sent fake electors
To screw up the count
The threats against Congress
Were just loud objections
Because I insisted
Of willful miscount
So everybody vote for me
And join in my great victory
Let’s all ignore reality
When daring to insult me
Oh wonderful Me
So wonderful ME!
It’s not narcissism
Just a little bravado
A celebrity scumbag
Convictions unmoored
Perhaps egotism
From this orange Mikado
But what a great bargain
For our greatness restored
ME!
It’s me
Donald Trump
Pay attention
TO ME!
NEWSCASTER: Coming up on tonight’s broadcast, President Joe Biden has misplaced the keys to the White House. Until a locksmith is able to make replacements, the First Family is staying at a Laquinta Inn in Bethesda, Maryland.
Meanwhile, at a campaign rally earlier today in Longstain, Missouri, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump promised if elected to appoint Hulk Hogan as Secretary of Agriculture. Then drove a monster truck through Arlington National Cemetery.
But in our top story…
HEATON: Oh hey Brad. Gee, you look glum. Everything okay?
BRAD: Have you seen the latest polls?! Joe Biden is doing horribly! He’s literally polling lower than LBJ when he got us into Vietnam!
HEATON: Well, the election is still several months away. That could change.
BRAD: But Biden is polling lower than when Richard Nixon punched a nun in the face!
HEATON: In fairness, she provoked him.
BRAD: Or when Bill Clinton faxed dick picks to Queen Elizabeth!
HEATON: Oh my, that is low. Golly, maybe Joe Biden should drop out?
BRAD: Well if he does, he better do it now, while we still have time to properly vet a candidate in the primaries.
HEATON: Right! Because the worst scenario would be if he dropped out right before the election, and a bunch of soulless former student council presidents and insider party eunichs annointed a replacement without consulting anyone!
BRAD: They would never do that! We’re the party of Democracy! Besides, we’re in a highly competitive primary right now!
“The Modern DNC”
CUE: Modern DNC
This folksy ice cream salesman
Is entering the rink
He runs against incumbent Joe
to make the party think
Dean Philips!
Everyone must bend the knee
Dean Philips
The modern DNC
A new age self help guru
She wants to heal the land
With government and hippy stuff
And massive spending plans
Marry Anne
Everyone must bend the knee
William Son
The modern DNC
It's the Democratic Primary
And we're all gonna die
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States… Mr. Joe Biden!
[Rambling stream-of-thought Biden monologue]
BRAD: Is… Joe Biden okay? He sounds like my Grandpa after he started mixing Nyquil with grain alcohol. But before he got his vasectomy reversed.
HEATON: He’s got to be fine, right? I mean, if the President was actually in a state of mental decline, his highly responsible family or competent White House subordinates would have convinced him to drop out.
BRAD: Or, if he refused, set aside their own personal ambitions for the good of the country by alerting the electorate. So that we can make an informed choice and course correct.
HEATON: Exactly! Because again, the very worst case scenario would be if, at some point several months from now, Biden dropped out, at the very end of the election cycle.
BRAD: You’re right. Everything is fine.
HEATON: Although I do sometimes wonder what Vice President Kamala Harris really thinks…
“Joe’s Gotta Go”
Never thought I would be so bummed
For my running mate to stay and run
Losing to Donald ain't much fun
Every day I doubt Joe more and more
With Biden in the race
We're certain to lose
After the debate
We're totally screwed
If Joe won't drop out
How can we campaign
Joe's gotta go
He can't run again
I love you Joe (Joe)
But you must go (go)
Oh thank you Joe (Joe)
Now please go
The polls are low (low)
And we all know
If we're to win
You must let go
Remember the time you told that guy
In a wheel chair to stand up and bow
Or when you called Obama articulate
And said Romney would put the blacks in chains
Or when you forgot your cabinet chief's name
Or the time you forgot Barack Obama's name
Or the time you got confused and forgot
The leader of France's name
Oh Joe Biden
We cannot let you drive
I love you Joe (Joe)
But you must go (go)
Oh thank you Joe (Joe)
Now please go
The polls are low (low)
And we all know
If we're to win
You must let go
BRAD: Heaton! Heaton! Did you hear!?
HEATON: What?
BRAD: They just convicted Donald Trump! He's a felon! We're going to win!
HEATON: Oh my God, that's huge! They convicted Trump of conspiring to steal the 2020 election by directing multiple people to fraudulently declare themselves certified electors?
BRAD: Even better!
HEATON: The Supreme Court found him culpable of inciting insurrection?
BRAD: He banged a porn star in 2006 and then used his own money to get her to sign a non-disclosure agreement, and his fixer who facilitated it erroneously categorized the transaction as a legal expense in their internal financial records!"
HEATON: ...What? What the fuck are you talking about?
SFX: gavel
JUDGE: Order! Order!
“Felonious”
Trump stands before the court accused of infidelity
The porn star Stormy Daniels confirmeth his identity
To protect the Trump campaign they offered her some hush money
His fixer wrote the gal a check but filed it as a legal fee
The filthy lie emerges now for all the court to hear and see
You must convict this heinous man or risk our whole democracy!
Please rest assured I am pure in my neutrality
My goal merely to prosecute objective criminality
In order to uphold the law and keep the land harmonious
I must implore the jury to declare this man felonious!
Perhaps you are wondering why this counts as felony
It's not illegal to pay tarts when using your own hush money
It elevates to felony if covering up some other crime
Which increases the statute of limitation's time
Whichever crime is covered up beneath it all who is to say?
If you think there was a deeper crime you can convict this man today
I swear this case does not consist of legal technicalities
The indictment is both firm and just in all of its legalities
In order to uphold the law and keep the land harmonious
I must implore the jury to declare this man felonious!
But even though this coverup is for one infidelity
We divide it into parts to maximize the felonies
The payment came in monthly form consisting of twelve intervals
We multiply that dozen by the separate steps of principle
The writing, cashing, filing of each check in the settlement
Results in four and thirty distinctive crim'nal elements
Believe me when I tell you that these charges aren't extraneous
Each a damning action beyond the miscellaneous
In order to uphold the law and keep the land harmonious
I must implore the jury to declare this man felonious!
Trump Monologue: Give the Abyss a Hug
HEATON: Well, Jennifer, I guess you were right: it’s going to be a rematch between Trump and Biden after all.
JENNIFER: Well that’s just great.
HEATON: You could vote third party. Have you looked into Robert Kennedy, Jr.?
“I’m R F Fuckin’ Kay”
Don't worry 'bout the brain worm (brain worm)
I'm R F Fuckin Kay
Forget about that dead bear (dead bear)
I'm R F Fuckin Kay
No shits about that dead whale (dead whale)
I'm R F Fuckin Kay
HEATON: Hey Brad! Are you watching the debate tonight?
BRAD: Oh yes! I love debates. What a terrific expression of the democratic process, in which two top-shelf candidates match wits on complex policy topics and political philosophy, so that an engaged citizenry can make our informed selection.
HEATON: I just hope Biden shows everybody that he’s not senile.
BRAD: He was pretty good at the State of the Union Address. I’ll bet he puts those concerns to rest.
NEWSCASTER: Welcome to the 2024 presidential debate, in which America will effectively choose between an old man who accidentally drove his car through the food court at a mall, and an old man who drove his car through the mall on purpose.
President Trump insisted on winning the coin toss, so we’ll award him the first question. Mister Trump. Many women throughout the United States are concerned about shrinking reproductive rights following the repeal of Roe v. Wade. While you’ve been vocal about turning abortion over to the states, and appointed the justices necessary to effect that transition, do you support the individual states themselves if they criminalize abortion?
“When I Was President”
The country is a mess, it's like a popped colostomy bag,
Things have never been this bad, it's a total drag.
Some states have disappeared, gone without a trace,
We're failing, we’re totally failing, all over the place.
When I was president, oh, the country was divine,
The water was wetter, all the stars aligned.
We had to invent new math just to measure the growth,
Those were the golden days, also I’m very good at golf
Illegal aliens are pouring over the border,
There are a dozen cooking meth in the Statue of Liberty.
They're stealing all our jobs, they practice Voodoo!
Our nation’s under siege, these illegals want to bang your mom
When I was president, oh, the country was divine,
The water was wetter, all the stars aligned.
Other countries totally respected us,
Those were the golden days, I never banged a porn star
We need to take a stand, to reclaim what we’ve lost,
Restore the glory days, no matter what the cost.
I'll lead us to the light, bring back the golden glow,
Together we’ll make history,
I didn't say that stuff about veterans
When I was president, oh, the country was divine,
The water was wetter, all the stars aligned.
We had to invent new math, to measure all our growth,
Those were the golden days,
I’m a very stable genius
So let’s unite again, for a future bold and bright,
Together we’ll overcome, we’ll win this fight.
The country will rise, from the ashes and the pain,
With me as your president, we’ll make it great again!
NEWSCASTER: We now reluctantly turn to President Joe Biden. Mister Biden. Americans, particularly low-income Americans, are concerned about inflation. What do you say to voters who feel they are worse off under your presidency than they were under President Trump?
Biden’s infamous “We beat Medicare” flub
BRAD: Heaton do you have any cyanide tablets I can take?
HEATON: Yeah, but they’re expired.
BRAD: This is a disaster!
HEATON: Well, maybe he has a cold? That would explain everything, right?
BRAD: I wonder what Kamala Harris and Democratic Leadership are thinking right now?
“The President’s Brain is Melting”
Oh no!
Joe’s mumbling
Just stumbling on live Tee vee!
Oh no!
He’s lost his place
So now the race will mean defeat
Oh no
Stuttering and
Muttering
We’ll tell the public
He has a cold
Joe’s brain is melting down
Blue Team is losing ground
Joe’s mind is slipping away
Sundown time for the USA
The president's brain is melting
Melting on stage
Oh no
Joe’s muttering
It’s after dusk and he’s lost his grip
Oh no
His face is slack-jawed
Bewildered grampa
A red landside
Will bury us all
Oh no!
Let's all move to Quebec
Before the fall
Joe’s brain is melting down
Blue Team is losing ground
Joe’s mind is slipping away
Sundown time for the USA
The president's brain is melting
Melting on stage
He must be replaced
Or we’ll lose the race
This is a total disaster
He’s swimming in place
He’s losing his pace
Harris put Joe out to pasture
Somebody pull the fire alarm
Oh no
Where are his meds
He’s basically dead in this debate
Oh no
He’s just not the same
He’s out of the game
Somebody must take away his keys
Oh no
We've got to push him out
Joe’s brain is melting down
Blue Team is losing ground
Joe’s mind is slipping away
Sundown time for the USA
The president's brain is melting
Melting on stage
NEWSCASTER: Mister Trump, I need to ask you a very serious question about inflation. You want to raise tariffs, but tariffs are a tax on imported goods. Won’t they raise prices on consumers, thereby exacerbating inflation?
“Respect us Up Again”
When I was president We were popular!
The world thought we were smart and pure and thin
Now we’re a laughing stock
To even Mexico!
Elect me and I’ll respect us up again
I want the world to respect The United States
Half as much as I respect myself right now
I am the greatest prez
Since Jesus Christ!
Elect me and I’ll respect us up again
Real quick Dana
I want to talk about the immigrants
They want to skin us and wear our faces like masks
Like in Silence of the Lambs
But with weird accents and voodoo
Elect me and I will build a big beautiful wall
Out of the metal they make Wolverine's claws of
I want the world to respect The United States
Half as much as I respect myself right now
I am the greatest prez Since Jesus Christ!
Elect me and I’ll respect us up again
Real quick Dana I want to talk about January 6th
It was a dozen peaceful protestors
Ushered in by the police
I offered Nancy A nuclear bomb to use
And she turned it down So who’s fault is it, really?
NEWSCASTER: Mr. Biden. You will be eighty-six years old at the completion of a second term. What do you have to say to Americans who are concerned about your age, and how mumbly and low energy, and bad at debating you’ve been over the course of this evening?
“Eighty Six is the New Sixty-Six”
Feeling young at eighty-six
Got the energy, can't miss
Dancing shoes laced up tight
Every day feels so right
Life starts when you believe
Age is just Malarkey
I’m aging like fine cheese
So vote for me if you please
Eighty-six is the new sixty-six
Live your life with no term limits
Keep on campaigning don't you quit
You're never too old to be The president
Silver hair shining bright
My birth is closer to Abe Lincoln than to now
I’ve been office since Dick Nixon
Ageing like the finest box of wine
Don't you worry about the years
Time is just Malarkey
Stay forever young at heart
Every term is a brand new start
Eighty-six is the new sixty-six
Live your life with no term limits
Keep on campaigning don't you quit
You're never too old
To pretend to be president
NEWSCASTER: And that concludes tonight debate, which historians will refer to as the twilight of American democracy. Thank you everyone who tuned in, and please remember to always check below for passing pedestrians before leaping to your death. Over ten people are killed each election by falling voters.
Up next: Someone Twitter said something offensive, prompting a celebrity to tweet stuff in response. Also, is the pope a robot? Find out after the break.
JENNIFER: Those are our options?! Donald Trump or Joe Biden? Out of the entire country, that’s what we came up with?
HEATON: Yeah, I guess so.
“Bend the Knee: Trump or Biden?”
This feckless Oompa Loompa
Is trying to return
But if we do not vote for him
He'll let the country burn
Donald Trump!
Everybody must bend the knee
The orange guy
Is option GOP
It's Weekend at Bernie's
Except he's head of state
A middling centrist seat warmer
A huge engorged prostate
Mister Biden
Everyone must bend, bend the knee
Mister Biden
The option DNC
With such terrific options
How can the people choose?
The nation's greatest sharpest minds
How can the country lose?
Trump or Biden
In the end we all bend the knee
Trump or Biden
Our great democracy
It's Election twenty twenty-four
And we're all gonna die
BRAD: Heaton! Did you hear?! Donald Trump has announced a running mate!
HEATON: Doug Burghum?
BRAD: No! Heaton, you gotta let that go. . . He’s making a strong play for Rustbelt votes: J. D. Vance!
HEATON: J. D. Vance? Isn’t he a venture capitalist who wears eyeliner?
BRAD: Yeah, but he’s technically a hillbilly!
“Vote for the Red Team”
Our glorious land
Is threatened by something
That only our savior
Donald Trump can destroy
Childless cat ladies, unfuckable shrews
Will ruin our nation if we should lose
I call upon voters
To vote for the red team
We’ll jack up the tariffs
We'll build that big wall
Corrupt power brokers
They want to destroy us
So vote for the red team
With us you’ll stand tall
Let me assure you
Never not once
Have I ever been tempted
To make love to a couch
Only my cousin
And one time a pig
My blue collar cousin
And that guy’s no slouch
I call upon voters
To vote for the red team
We’ll kick out illegals
Build that fuckin' wall
They're drag show promoters
Blue team is so evil
So vote for the red team
With us you’ll stand tall
Okay just one time
I compared Trump to Hitler
And called him a moron
But I was misled
Now I adore him
As much as my cousin
My super hot cousin
That I cannot wed
I called upon voters
To vote for the red team
We’ll spark up a trade war
A thousand foot wall
We'll shit on the deep state
And woke cancel culture
So vote for the red team
With us you’ll stand tall
BRAD: Heaton is… Is Joe Biden gonna win?
HEATON: Well, I’ll be honest with you, it’s an uphill battle. He’ll have to give one helluva speech to assure voters he’s on top of things.
BRAD: I’m sure he will! Put on CNN, he’s about to give a speech on inflation!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the acting President of the United States… Joe Biden.
Monologue: “Joe Biden rambling sequel speech”
BRAD: Oh my God. We’re gonna lose. We’re gonna lose, aren’t we?
HEATON: It doesn’t look great. Democrats have been gas lighting America about the cognitive abilities of the president, and his brain just melted on national television.
BRAD: I don’t see how this situation could possibly get any worse!
SFX: Bang! Bang bang
“Butler, PA”
Bang bang went the rifle
Pew pew went the led
Fight fight yelled the Donald
When the bullets grazed his head!
At my speech in Butler
Pennsylvania
As I shared my wisdom with the fans
A tween grabbed a blaster
Gunning for disaster
And fired at the stands!
I ducked before it blew my head off
The suits all tried to hold me down
I had very nearly died
I raised my fist up to the sky
And bellowed “Fight fight fight” out loud!
Bang bang went the rifle
Pew pew went the led
Fight fight yelled the Donald
When the bullets grazed his head!
The Secret Service failed to spot that dropout
On a roof sloped twenty-six degrees
They sure were sorry
that my speech got gory
When that teeny bopper shot at me!
That near miss kind of spoiled my evening
The blood loss made me cancel plans
But the front page snapshot
Is a campaign jackpot
And an icon through the swing vote lands
Bang bang went the rifle
Pew pew went the led
Fight fight yelled the Donald
When the bullets grazed his head!
ANNOUNCER 2: We will return after a brief intermission.
GORDON: Hey, I’m gonna go get a drink. Do you want anything?
JEFFREY: I’ll join you. I’m gonna stretch my legs.
GORDON: So what do you think?
JEFFREY: Meh.
GORDON: Really? I think it’s kinda catchy.
JEFFREY: I dunno. Like–who are they even making fun of?
GORDON: Everybody.
JEFFREY: Well yeah, but like, is it fanatically in favor of Donald Trump or fanatatically against Donald Trump? I can’t tell.
GORDON: I think it might just be a big hole Heaton is shoveling jokes and songs into to make people laugh.
JEFFREY: Can I see your playbill?
GORDON: Sure, here you go.
JEFFREY: [angry] Look how many understudies there are! There are even alternate understudies! Why does Heaton need so many understudies?
GORDON: Last time Heaton tried to put a play together a bunch of people go murdered.
JEFFREY: Really?
GORDON: Yeah, did you not read about that? He put a hip hop musical together about William Gladstone, and six or seven members of the cast died. In unrelated murders.
JEFFREY: Wow. like how?
GORDON: Shot, stabbed, suffocated.
JEFFREY: Jesus. Really? What made the musical bad?
GORDON: It was about William Gladstone, and also the music just wasn’t that good.
JEFFREY: Hey, look at the back of the Playbill. Did Heaton included a Venmo and PayPal address for tips?!
GORDON: “If you enjoyed this program, we gratefully accept tips. My venmo is @MightyHeaton and my paypall address is andrew@mightyheaton.com. Once again, that’s @MightyHeaton on Venmo and andrew@mightyheaton.com for paypal.” Why would he repeat that? We’re reading it.
JEFFREY: What an asshole–who solicits tips at a theater production?
GORDON: Maybe if Heaton makes money off the musical, he’ll do more stuff like this, and fewer author interviews with economists I’ve never heard of.
JEFFREY: I guess if I find myself humming something later today I’ll tip him.
GORDON: Uh-oh! See that stretcher? Looks like one of the cast members got murdered.
SFX: Bell, fade out on crowd noises
MUSIC: Prelude
BRAD: President Biden’s polling lower than polio. He’s just gotta drop out!
HEATON: I don’t think he will. I’ve been watching his press conferences, and he’s adamant about staying in the race.
“I Won’t Back Down”
Well, I won't drop out (We're screwed)
No I won't drop out (Gonna lose)
Despite the fallout you should have no doubt
That I won't drop out
[Verse 2]
I will still campaign (So screwed)
Won’t get off this train (Gonna lose)
Though it wains I take pains to maintain my brains
And I still campaign
Hey fella! (Joe won’t back down!)
I’m still technically Prez (a skeleton)
Hey voters! (you’re so fucking old)
Don’t care what anyone says (maybe you should)
And I won’t drop out
Gonna win this race (We're screwed)
Never get replaced (Gonna lose)
Even if disgraced and at slower pace
I’ll stay in this race
Hey fella! (Joe won’t back down!)
I’m still technically Prez (or so you think)
Hey voters! (four thousand years old)
Don’t care what anyone says (maybe you should)
And I won’t drop out
Hey fella! (Oh please back down!)
I’m still technically Prez (or so you think)
Hey voters! (retire soon)
Don’t care what anyone says
And I won’t drop out
No I won’t drop out
NEWSCASTER: This just in: President Joe Biden is dropping out of the 2024 presidential race. Moments ago, the president uploaded a PDF to Twitter of a letter that he definitely wrote himself, of his own volition, to this effect.
BRAD: Heaton! Heaton! Did you hear? The Democrats have selected a replacement for Joe Biden. And she’s amazing! She’s absolutely amazing!
HEATON: Did they do another primary? A brokered convention?
BRAD: No they just… Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, made a decision. But it’s a great decision–the greatest candidate we’ve ever had! Kamala Harris!
HEATON: Last week you told me Biden had to stay in the race because even if his brains leaked out his ears like motor oil, he was still a stronger candidate than Kamala Harris.
BRAD: . . . no I didn’t.
HEATON: I’m looking at the text message right here.
BRAD: Well, I was wrong. She’s brilliant! And that’s not just me misinterpreting relief at getting a candidate who’s not a doomed corpse as unrealistic political euphoria. Kamala Harris is the smartest, most qualified presidential candidate in all of American history! Which is why we didn’t even need a primary to select her, or in any way meaningfully vet her for the general election!
HEATON: Well okay then! Should we watch her acceptance speech?
BRAD: Absolutely!
MUSIC: instrumental buildup. Echoey quotes:
I'm proud to support Kamala Harris. And I'm proud to call her... my friend.
Kamala Harris is the finest prosecutor I’ve ever worked with.
I love you... Mom!
You're a helluva Veep, Gizmo
Thank you for shopping at Home Depot.
At least stay through the harvest, Luke!
Kamala Harris!
Ain't no rule says a dog can't play basketball!
The Dow-Jones Industrial Average is up 3 points
Ain’t no rule says a dog can’t run for ombudsman
Kamala Harris is our last best hope
Kamala Harris!
I love you, Air Budsman!
“I Will Stand for Something”
I accept this nomination
Unburdened by what has been (yes)
And I will stand for something
Unless it’s inconvenient
If you don’t like me
I can change
Whatever I need to
If I was lefty
Well now I’m not
While pandering
to you
I will stand
For something to be determined later
I will stand
And fight for whatever that turns out to be
I will stand
To make our country better
And what’s better for the country
Is for you to vote for me
I will stand
I will stand
JENNIFER: Wow, I didn’t see that coming.
HEATON: Yeah, me neither.
“Bend the Knee: Kamala or Trump?”
This feckless PT Barnum
And former game show host
Won't admit he lost last time
He won't give up the ghost
Donald Trump
Everybody must bend the knee
The orange guy
Is option GOP
She wanted to ban fracking
Get Medicare for All
But if it means she wins the race
She'll build a border wall
Kamala Harris
Everyone must bend the knee
Kamala Harris
The option DNC
These two fantastic people
Much smarter than the rest
The wisest folks in all the land
The nation's very best
Trump or Harris
In the end we all bend the knee
Trump or Harris
Our great democracy
It's Election twenty twenty-four
And we're all gonna die
NEWSCASTER: In an unexpected development, last-minute Democratic Party replacement Kamala Harris is tied neck-in-neck in the polls with former president Donald Trump. As little as two weeks ago the outcome of the election was a foregone conclusion. But now, Election 2024 is competitive once again, and its outcome uncertain.
JENNIFER: Do you think Kamala Harris will win?
HEATON: I think she’s got a good shot, but it’s gonna be a nail-biter either way.
JENNIFER: I wonder what Donald Trump is thinking right now.
“I Miss You, Joe”
Never thought I would be so bummed
For my nemesis to turn and run
Fighting Kamala ain’t much fun
Every day I miss Joe more and more
With Biden in the race
I was certain to win
Back in the White House
With a big sloppy grin
Now that he’s dropped out
How do I campaign
Oh I miss him
I miss his dumb. Old. Brain.
I miss you, Joe
You were so slow
I miss you, Joe
Joe where’d you go?
Now I feel low
The status quo
Had me on top
And you below
Remember that time we had a debate?
And you shit your brains on national TV
You were such a lousy candidate
I was poised to win that whole damn race
It's like when Nemo from that one book
Finely killed his white whale
Or when Sherlock lost his purpose
After killing his white whale
Or when that French Guy from Lay Miz
Finally Killed some big white Whale
Joe Biden
I never read those books!
I miss you, Joe
You were so slow
I miss you, Joe
Joe where’d you go?
Now I feel low
The status quo
Had me on top
And you below
I don't know why books hates whales so much
As far as fish go, they seem pretty okay
Better than sharks, sharks are like evil trout
Maybe it's just some kind of book people thing
Or maybe it's because
They're such easy targets
Big fat and stupid
Just asking to get speared
But now that Joe's gone, who can I defeat?
Oh Joe Biden
You were my perfect whale!
BRAD: Heaton! Did you hear?! Kamala Harris just announced her running mate!
HEATON: Doug Burghum?
BRAD: No, it’s… Heaton, you gotta let that go.
HEATON: Yeah, I guess you’re right. So who is it?
BRAD: Tim Walz!
HEATON: Who’s that guy?
BRAD: He’s the Governor of Minnesota, and the embodiment of all dad jokes.
HEATON: Huh. Minnesota is a reliably blue state. Why did Kamala Harris select him?
BRAD: Because! He’s very progressive but he’s also relatable and folksy!
HEATON: Wait, so instead of selecting a shrill progressive from a handful of obnoxious, high-handed coastal misanthropes, Vice President Harris tapped someone relatively pleasant from the middle of the country?
BRAD: Exactly!
HEATON: That… might actually work.
BRAD: It’s got to!
HEATON: Let’s check this guy out!
“I Like Socialism”
Good evening folks
Hello from the Middle
I hail from Nebraska
I live in Saint Paul
When I was younger
I hung out in China
The experience gave me
A message for y’all
I like socialism
But a little more folksy
Perhaps polit bureaus
With some rhubarb pie
I offer state ism
And deep down I hope we
Take care of our neighbors
Through politics I
Think it would be great
To be more like China
But with chili cookoffs
And the Fourth of July
A dash of Beijing
Paired with Dolly Parton
An expansive state
On which to rely
Hello socialism
But a little more folksy
I love bureaucrats
I love county fairs
I offer state ism
So why can’t I hope we
Solve all our problems
Through politics, I
Love the Red White and Blue!
Just mostly the red
I love paper pushers
Old trucks and cornbread
I’m folksy as hell
And think id be swell
To join hands with you
Cheer Red White and Blue
But mostly the red!
I like socialism
Just a little more folksy
I love me some China
And tractors and beer
So let's give a try-a
More control of our lives-a
To Washington
BRAD: Hey Jennifer! I know you were bummed out about the election being between Trump and Biden. But now that it’s Kamala Harris on the ticket, can we count on your vote?
JENNIFER: I’m not sure… It’s not actually clear to me what Kamala is running on, other than not being Donald Trump.
BRAD: I understand why you’d think that. But she’s been doing a ton of hard-hitting anything-goes interviews from a highly credulous legacy media. Here, let’s watch her CNN interview:
“The Quantum Candidate (CNN Interview)”
What a delight to have frank conversation
Direct and as clear as can be
We must speak plain truth when extolling the nation
To vote for the guv’nor and me
Thanks for your question, so much, Dannah, love you,
Oh gosh all our great policies
Our glorious plans will make everyone love to
Vote for the gov’nor and me
When sworn in on Day One I’ll leap into action
Economy of opportunity!
I hope that my answer has answered your question
Whatever exactly that means
My plans mean precisely whatever you want to
They are all quantum policies
We’ll never divulge them when risking you not to
Vote for the guv’nor
and me
I'll win the people’s full mandate
Schrodinger's perfect candidate
Watch me swing this pendulum
To become the nation's speculum
I am chameleon, hear me roar!
A weather vein for every storm
Something something bla bla bla bla buzzword
Let me be as clear as can be
I will backtrack and evade levels absurd
For votes for the guv’nor and me
NEWSCASTER: Meanwhile, following last night’s unexpectedly civil and coherent vice presidential debate, Senator JD Vance and Governor Tim Walz have agreed to form a polycule. And promise voters that, regardless of the election’s outcome, both candidates and their respective spouses will move into the Naval Observatory together, where they will become a double power couple, and look forward to playing lots of “Goldeneye” on Tim Walz’s Nintendo 64.
Finally, Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris has raised a record-breaking three billion dollars since unexpectedly entering the race. She now commands a campaign war chest larger than that of her opponent Donald Trump.
I wonder what Donald Trump is thinking right now?
“I Really Miss Joe”
Never thought I would be so bummed
For my nemesis to turn and run
Fighting Kamala ain’t much fun
Every day I miss Joe more and more
With Joe in the run
I was sure to succeed
Back in the Oval
With a bulging leed
Now that he’s stepped down
How do I proceed?
Oh I miss him
I miss his dumb. Old. Brain.
I miss you, Joe
You were so slow
I miss you, Joe
Joe where’d you go?
Now I feel low
The status quo
Had me on top
And you below
Remember that time at the DNC?
When you spoke dead last and shouted a lot
Such a funny coffin dodger
You were such as silly skeleton
The Oval Office was as good as mine
I'll put RFK in charge of Utah
Kamala's not even black
How many times must I get shot
Vance go on the attack
Convicted by a kangaroo court
How can I get back
Oh Joe Biden
I hate Kamala's guts
I miss you, Joe
You were so slow
I miss you, Joe
Joe where’d you go?
Now I feel low
The status quo
Had me on top
And you below
They're eating all the pets in Springfield
Yes they're eating the cats
The Haitians just ate Garfield
So put on your red hat
They're eating felines in Missouri
So I have to hurry
Back
I miss you, Joe
You were so slow
I miss you, Joe
Joe where’d you go?
Now I feel low
The status quo
Had me on top
And you below
Oh Joe Biden
You were my perfect whale
NEWSCASTER: It’s Tuesday, November 5, 2024. Election Day. Millions of Americans across the country are heading to the polls to vote in the most consequential election of our lives. I know we say that everytime, but this time we mean it: it’s the most important election of our lives. (Until next time.) We’ll report back this evening with live analysis on exit polls. Until then, please enjoy this re-run of Newsradio.
BRAD: Heaton! Heaton! They just called the election!
HEATON: Oh shit–was that today?
JENNIFER: Yes! Did you forget to vote?
HEATON: You’re sure it’s today? I could swear it’s October 2nd.
JENNIFER: That’s Rosh Hashana!
HEATON: Oh shit–did I miss Rosh Hashona, too! This just isn’t my year.
BRAD: Who cares!? You guys! CNN, Fox, MSNBC, the Gardening Network–they’re all calling it! It’s a landslide!
HEATON: Who won?
JENNIFER: It was a surprise write-in vote!
BRAD: That’s right! The next President of the United States is a feted athlete, astronaut, and the former Lt. Governor of New Jersey!
HEATON: Wait, you don’t mean…
BRAD: Air Bud! The next President of the United States is Air Bud! We did it! We did it, you guys!
JENNIFER: It all actually worked out alright!
HEATON: Who’s our new vice president?
BRAD: Apparently Air Bud selected the Governor of North Dakota…
HEATON: No way…
BRAD: Doug Burghum!
HEATON: Well now! How ‘bout that! I guess democracy really did work for the best.
SOLDIER: You Andrew Heaton?
HEATON: Uh… yeah?
SOLDIER: Andrew Heaton you have been tried and convicted of pre-treason under the Airbudsman Dissident Humorist Act of 2024. As an enemy of the state, your civil rights are hereby suspended. Hope you enjoyed making your funny little subversive songs.
HEATON: Where are we going?
SOLDIER: Just put on the hood and get in the van
HEATON: But I haven’t–
SOLDIER: Taser! Taser!
HEATON: AAAAAAAHHHHH
SOLDIER: Now get in the back!
HEATON: Hey, Is that the Capital Steps?
SFX: Door slams shuts
SOLDIER: All hail air bud
ALL: Hail Air Bud!
“Bend the Knee to Airbud”
A nice Golden Retriever
Is now the president
He’ll lead us to the promised land
Canine benevolent
All Hail Air Bud
In the end we all bend the knee
Long Live Air Bud
Our grand democracy
If a dog can play basketball (All hail)
He can fly Air Force One (Air Bud)
He’ll fix the debt and climate change (All Hail)
Our best days have begun (Air Bud)
Hail Air Bud
We all bend the knee
Long Live Air Bud
Our swell democracy
It's election twenty-twenty four
And we're all gonna
Die
TIPS:
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