Be a Predator! A Preparation Guide for Blizzards, etc.

Last night a gorgeous blanket of white goopy slush settled over New York, blissfully hiding syringes and generally irritating surly locals.

The nor’easter is better today, but what might the rest of the winter entail? Given Congress’s utter failure to pass anti-hurricane legislation in time to curb the effects of Hurricane Sandy, it’s a virtual certainty that we’ll get broadsided with a blizzard or giant reptile attack or some such.

That’s why I’ve prepared this general emergency preparation guide for nor’easters, cyclones and swarms of killer moths. Next time an act of God halts your neighborhood commerce like a heart attack, don’t let yourself become a victim. Be a predator!

Loot High-End Retailers

If you’re in a major city and know that a blizzard is on the way, be sure to make a map of cool stores you’d like to loot in the event of rioting. You may think, “Oh, I’ll just play things by ear when they start throwing bricks through the window,” but in the heat of the moment lack of planning will lead to indecision and less swag.

Disorganized looters tend to break into pawn shops and Radio Shacks for some reason. While tempting, remember to think ahead. Christmas is coming: will Uncle Frank prefer a black and white television from EZ Pawn or a Rolex from a boutique jewelry outlet? The answer is, of course, that Uncle Frank will want a nice bottle of single malt scotch. Knowing this, you can proceed directly to your friendly neighborhood liquor store and then bash in the window with a golf club. Know where they keep the good stuff in advance so you don’t return to your apartment with a bottle of potable cleaning detergent like a sucker.

Sophisticated looters will know that the best establishments to pillage are expensive clothiers. If you knock over a Brooks Brothers and walk through the streets in a tuxedo and riding gloves, the police will infer that you’re an upstanding citizen on his way to a “hurricane gala.” To finish the illusion, point towards the nearest pawn shop and yell, “A bunch of people are stealing televisions that way!”

It’s not “if” the grid goes down. It’s “when.”

If you’ve never read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, you’re probably the product of some godawful public school. Read it. The novel is set in post-apocalyptic America or possibly modern-day Detroit. Food is scarce, public services are non-existent, and cannibals wander the streets in search of prey.

While yesterday’s nor’easter induced less overt cannibalism than Hurricane Katrina, civilization is for all intents and purposes held together by duct tape on any given day. Take New York City: eight million people who all loathe each other crammed into an island or underground tunnels. That’s a recipe for disaster, and when the grid goes down you should have a gun or at least a sturdy inflatable boat to escape the angry mole people.

Be ready for power outages

Storms cause power outages, so always have the supplies on hand to survive comfortably without modern appliances. For instance, it’s a good idea to buy a ukulele to plunk on for when your iPod runs out of juice. Stock up on old-fashioned pornographic magazines for those long periods of time bereft of the Internet.

If you’re accustomed to microwaving frozen meals, be prepared to build a campfire inside of your garage to slow-cook spam over. If you’re impatient, you can “flash cook” most beef products by siphoning gas out of your neighbor’s car and igniting it in an awesome plume of fire.

Be Prepared!

Armed with the above knowledge you are ready for all manner of national disasters, from nor’easters to expansive socialist agendas. Whenever an emergency happens, just remember the Boy Scout motto: “Be Prepared.”

This will serve as a reminder to you that Boy Scouts usually have cooking utensils and canned goods, and can be easily overpowered for their food.