Man Arrested for Trying to Ride a Manatee

Where, exactly, does the human impulse to ride animals come from? Think about that for a second. At some point in human history our paleolithic ancestors were wandering around the Serengeti with pointy sticks, some sort of giant proto-horse galloped by, and a guy said, “You see that big animal? I’m gonna sit on that.” That was crazy. Today we still have rodeos, where people ride homicidal bulls which (I’m not making this up) have testicles clamps on to ensure they’re extra angry. (It is my firm opinion that bulls should be declared the winners of rodeos unless you can actually ride them into submission and they lay down to let you rub their tummy.) Anyway, in Florida (an entire state which appears to be mixing prescription medications at any given time) a local decided to try to ride a manatee. This combines the mile-a-minute thrill of mounting an animal displaying all the sprightliness of a soggy bean bag, with the bragging rights of having molested an endangered species.

Police officers arrested the man (sea cow tipper?) and placed him in isolation for refusing to provide identification. It being Florida, however, “guy arrested for riding a manatee” now has an excellent platform from which to run for Congress.

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